


A Raccoon Infested Oven

by levi_heichoochoo



Series: Humor and Porn [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Embarrassment, Eren's a lawyer!!, Humor, I love Mikasa, I'm Going to Hell, It's Jaeger Not Yeager, M/M, Non-Binary Hange Zoë, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Public Sex, Rimming, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Shameless, Shameless Smut, Smut, ereri, how did i even write this, is this even fucking humor, oops my hand slipped, she's fucking done, shitty humor, super swag armin, the second hand embarrassment is for the readers, these tags are shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 10:51:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3407858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levi_heichoochoo/pseuds/levi_heichoochoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi loved Mikasa, that wasn't the problem. But after two weeks of her staying at their apartment, Eren and Levi were becoming quite desperate to find some...er...quality alone time.</p>
<p>Alternately Titled: What The Fuck, Eren, We're In A Goddamn Restaurant</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Raccoon Infested Oven

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fanfic i've ever written. and its a porn oneshot. what the fuck is wrong with me??>??>.
> 
> anyway, i had a BURNING need for bottom!levi, so after searching the deepest depths of the *shivers* internet, i decided to write this shit myself man. well (laughs heartily) i'll see y'all in hell!! yay??>!?!11?>? (I'm so sorry, this is a disease) uh my tumblr is @teethagreements if you want to make fun of me go message!! so yeah I'm leaving (backflips off a cliff)
> 
> (lmao i don't even ship this anymore but i'm still proud of this shit thanks y'all)

Levi really didn’t think the day would be this...interesting. He had a shitty day at work, fucking Mikasa was visiting Eren, and to be entirely honest, Levi was tired of not having the house to himself.

Fucking hell. He and Eren hadn’t had sex in two weeks.

That’s a long ass time for anyone, especially Eren, who, of course, is as horny as fourteen-year-old child. Levi was surprised that the brat didn’t mount him while eating dinner, or something. Not that it hadn’t happened before, but still- okay, we’re digressing, that’s not the point.

And they had definitely tried. Really, it was almost embarrassing how much they had tried. First, the strange bathroom situation. Eren had just stepped in the shower, and was humming to himself quietly, so Levi decided to casually slip inside the bathroom, and casually take off his clothes. And then Eren screamed when Levi abruptly jumped in the already small bathtub. After the string of curses that followed, Levi pressed his lips to the taller man, biting, sucking, and oh god, Eren was bringing his hips to his and then-

“Eren, are you okay? I heard you scream,” Mikasa was at the door. Fuck, of course she was.

Eren cleared his throat, and breathed out raspily, “Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry!” It sounded too rushed. Levi shook his head. This kid couldn’t lie for shit, he should’ve known.

“Are you sure? Did you fall? I can help if you-” She was slowly opening the door.

“NO! No,” Eren laughed awkwardly at his outburst. “No, I’m fine Mikasa, I slipped, but I’m okay.”

The door was still open.

“Okay. I’ve got to use the bathroom, be quick.”

Levi’s eye twitched. This bitch will pay.

She closed the door quietly, and Eren smiled smugly at the black-haired man still pressed to him.

“Don’t fucking talk.” Now, of course, this situation would’ve been bad by itself, but no, it just got worse. Fucking marvelous. Eren stopped the shower, and had started to dry himself when he came to a sudden unpleasant realization.

“Oh, shit,” Eren whispered. And then Levi came to the same fucking awful realization.

  
“Oh, shit.” Mikasa had to use the bathroom, she was waiting outside. Levi was stuck.

“Just take my clothes and leave. I’ll figure it out,” Levi muttered angrily. Eren snuck in a last kiss, tugging Levi’s hair harshly so that he groaned gently into his mouth. Eren waggled his eyebrows like the little shit he was, and quickly exited the bathroom, a towel wrapped tightly around his waist. That fuck.

Levi heard Mikasa enter the bathroom, shutting the door behind her quietly. He heard her plop down on the toilet. Levi muffled a gagging noise. Please, no. But then-

“Couldn’t you wait until I was gone?”

“God fucking dammit, Mikasa, a man has needs!” Levi exclaimed exasperatedly.

“Mmf.” With that, she left.

Without any desire to take a shit.

Goddamit, Mikasa.

The second worst attempt was when Mikasa had actually walked in on them. She had gone out to meet Annie a minute earlier, and Levi and Eren had raced to the couch. And when Mikasa walked in, her eyes were assaulted. That poor, unfortunate girl.

Levi had let out a particularly loud moan, and his back was arching up, with Eren unbuttoning his pants so slowly, and Eren met his gaze, and Levi was about to scream when-

When the aforementioned unfortunate girl walked in to see her brother with his hands deep in Levi’s pants.

She kind of blinked. And stared for a second. Then she closed her eyes, put her hands up in surrender, and walked silently to the bathroom. As she was walking, she said, “Annie’s sick. I’m staying here.”

And Levi and Eren hadn’t moved an inch. Nope. They barely breathed. And then they exhaled a breath simultaneously, and stood up.

“Well, I’m going to-”

“Yeah, me too-”

“Got a shitload of work to do, um, yeah.”

And they walked in opposite directions, the brightest tomatoes a grief-stricken farmer could’ve ever seen.

After several other failed attempts, two weeks had passed. Tonight was the night that Eren and Levi would go out. It wasn't a big deal, but because of their recent living conditions, alone time really wasn't a common luxury. They'd go to an Italian restaurant, nothing too fancy, they'd talk and eat, flirt, and go straight home.

The place was nice, a warm glow seemed to envelope the restaurant. It was fairly crowded, but no one was loud. The dim lighting seemed to persuade its customers to lower their voices. Provided atmosphere, or some shit.

But, about halfway through the dinner, Eren picked a fight with a skinny kid sitting a couple seats away. He’d been giving them strange looks all night, trying to look calm, but his intense gaze defied him. Disgust was practically written on his face. Eren immediately observed the fact, and confronted him, spouting his lawyer nonsense, something about freedom of expression and hate crimes, Levi wasn't very sure. Frankly, he didn't give a flying fuck. And then, after Eren's voice had risen to a ridiculous volume, and after the other man had stood in fury, Levi snapped.

"If you fucking touch my boyfriend, I'll break every bone in your body, and fucking castrate you."

Levi's sharp gaze assaulted Eren's stupid, smug face.

"And you. If the thought of fighting crosses your feeble mind for a split second, you will be sleeping on the couch, and cleaning Hanji's oven."

Eren’s eyes went wide with terror.

Hanji's oven was infamous. The day Levi tried to clean its hellish depths, he discovered a family of raccoons living peacefully in its pits. Eren could still remember Levi's traumatized trembling, and the way he never opened an oven again. Never. It would be amusing, but Eren had seen the spawn of Satan itself. It was pretty awful.

So, Eren got his shit together.

Sort of.

After the skinny brat sat with a huff of annoyed breath, Eren and Levi talked about work, and Mikasa, and remember that time Isabel kicked Armin in the face, accidentally of course, and Armin just pulled out a pair of shades and said, "Armin out, bitches." The sass was strong with that one. Levi was proud.

But he was snapped back to reality when he noticed The Look.

Eren’s eyes blazed, darkened. His breathing was shallow.

Goddamit, why now-

"Levi, I need you..." Eren growled.

"Are you fucking insane?" Levi retorted quietly. He felt Eren's foot on his knee under the table, and it was creeping up slowly. Levi exhaled shakily, and smoothed his shirt, his hips unwillingly meeting Eren’s shoe. Goddammit, this fucking brat would pay. Levi whimpered when Eren’s foot moved between his thighs, and the brunet stroked at the growing bulge roughly. Levi let out a quiet moan, his eyes fluttering shut.

“Ready for the check?” And Levi snapped to attention, eyes wide, and tried to visibly calm down. The waiter was giving him a strange look. Shit, did they see?

“Uh, y-yeah, I guess,” Levi replied with a smile (that resembled a pained grimace).

“Are you alright, sir?” The waiter looked worried.

“Oh, yes, I’m fi- ah- I’m fine,” Levi replied, the word ‘fine’ catching in his throat when Eren suddenly squeezed his clothed cock. When did his hand get there?

“Actually,” Levi stated, suddenly calm. “Where is the restroom?”

The waiter eyed him suspiciously, and pointed down a narrow hallway.

“Thank you,” was Levi’s final affirmation. The waiter walked away reluctantly.

Levi yanked Eren’s black tie from across the table, and leaned into him hastily.

“If you don’t fuck me in the bathroom right now, I swear to Allah or someone I will jerk myself off in this goddamn fucking seat,” Levi hissed, his lips faintly touching the shell of Eren’s ear, making him shudder. And Eren didn’t need to be told twice.

They stood up calmly, Eren following behind as inconspicuously as possible, and quickly walked down the hallway. Very stealthily, especially when Eren About halfway through the hallway, Eren began to stroke Levi’s sides, making his spine arch a bit. They walked into the stall, which was thankfully singular, slamming the door behind them. Once Eren was in, he locked the door behind him, and shoved Levi against the wall. He crushed his lips against Levi's, making the latter gasp, giving Eren leeway into his mouth. Tongues battling back and forth, Eren biting Levi's lip, Levi pressing Eren closer, aligning their hips and he shifted a bit. They both moaned loudly, and Levi slammed his head on the stall. Eren took the chance to suck on Levi's neck, and he was biting on his collarbone, and grinding his hips.

"Fuck, Eren," Levi breathed, his irritation growing almost as fast as his erection.

"Patience, I'm getting there," Eren said cockily. Levi rolled his eyes, and unbuttoned Eren's shirt, going to fast so that his fingers were almost missing the buttons. Once Levi was halfway done with the shirt, Eren flung it off his body in record time. The clothes were coming off quickly, Eren sank down to his knees, pulling down the zipper with his teeth. He kept eye contact with Levi, eyes blazing and glazed over with lust. The brunet smirked deviously, making Levi visibly shudder. Levi's cock was almost fully hard, a bead of precum coating the slit. Just the sight made Levi’s back arch with delight.

Eren started palming his bare cock, stroking from the base up to the pink tip. In one hand he cupped Levi’s balls, caressing them lightly. Levi was doing his best not to buck into Eren’s hand, his cock pulsating. When he put his lips around the tip of Levi’s length, the receiving man’s knees buckled.

“Oh, God, Eren…” Levi moaned wantonly, his breath catching in his throat. Fuck, he had to keep it down. Eren’s mouth slowly slid down the length of Levi’s cock, and stopped when his lips met Levi’s neat hair. Levi bucked into the heat, hitting the back of Eren’s throat. Tears sprung to Eren’s eyes, but he continued his ministrations. He swallowed around him, and Levi gasped, moaning loudly, and uncontrollably.

“Eren, I’m going to-ah” Levi’s hips stuttered, and he tried to contain himself. Eren’s head was bobbing quickly, his lips swollen and red, saliva and precum dripping down the edges of his mouth,

“Eren, stop,” Levi whimpered, pulling on his partner’s hair, which made Eren moan around his cock. The vibrations were almost enough to make him come undone, but he tugged Eren’s head off before he could finish.

“I want to come with you. If you don’t fuck me, I’ll do it myself, Jäger.” The authoritative tone in Levi’s voice made Eren’s eyes gleam. Shit, that must’ve provoked him. Eren got up quickly, kissing Levi with a ferocity he hadn’t felt in years. Eren was biting, his tongue stroking his own. Levi’s hand trailed down to Eren’s sharp hip bones, going lower and unbuttoning his pants. Levi palmed Eren’s hard cock through his underwear. Eren moaned into Levi’s mouth, panting his name.

“Levi, please…”

“Wait, how are we doing this?” Levi inquired brusquely.

Eren suddenly spun him around, bending Levi’s body over the sink, spreading his legs. He smacked Levi’s sculpted ass, appreciating his curves, and ringing noise it made when his palm met a pale cheek. A pink blotch slowly made itself clear on Levi’s ass. He spread Levi’s cheeks, his finger teasing the puckered hole. Suddenly, Levi felt a wet muscle licking at his entrance, and he moaned loudly. Shit, there was at least one person in the restaurant that must’ve heard that.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Levi whispered frantically. In response, Eren’s tongue dipped inside of Levi.

“Ah….” Levi gripped the sides of the sink, holding on as his cock dripped precum.

Eren nails raked down Levi’s back, and he slipped his tongue out of Levi.

“God, Levi, I’m going to fuck you so hard…” Eren growled.  Levi panted, looking in the mirror. His hair was disheveled, a dusting of pink ghosted over his cheeks. His lips were swollen from kissing and were parted in pleasure.

“Please, oh my god…” Levi mumbled. Eren somehow had lube in his pocket.

“Were you planning this?” Levi raised his eyebrows, almost laughing at the ridiculousness of his boyfriend.

“I’d like to think of it as coming prepared, thank you very much,” Eren smirked. That shithead. After coating two fingers in a generous amount of lube, Eren teased the reddish hole with his fingers.

“Are you sure about this?” Eren asked. He was serious, since Eren was a lawyer, he was very stern about consent laws. And verbal consent is really the only way, apparently.

“Yes, I am fucking sure!” Levi exclaimed. And then a finger prodded against his entrance, slowly sliding in the heat. Levi’s hands searched for somewhere to grip, growling. The finger slowly pulled out, and thrusted back in, and Levi felt himself being stretched. Levi whimpered, and rutted back on the singular digit.

“Come on.” He urged Eren, panting lightly. Just then, Eren jammed in another finger harshly, making Levi moan in a mix of pain and pleasure.

“God, Eren, fuck me,” Levi breathed. Suddenly, he felt the tight grip of Eren’s fingers on his hair.

“What was that?”

“Fuck. Me.” They made eye contact through the mirror. Eren spun Levi around roughly, picked up him by the hips, and slammed him into the wall. They kissed passionately, until Eren cursed randomly.

“What?”

“I...um...forgot the..umm..”

“Are you fucking serious, Eren?” The idiot had time for lube, but no condoms. What the fuck?

“Sorry!”

“God, you know what, I give zero fucks right now, we’re tested anyways,” Levi rolled his eyes, and positioned his hips so that Eren’s clothed hard on was pressing into his ass. Levi teasingly rolled his hips slowly, rocking back and forth, feeling Eren’s cock throb. Levi quickly pulled down Eren’s underwear.

“Shit,” Eren moaned. He once again picked Levi up with ease, but this time lay him on the cold ground.

“Eren, this is fucking disgusting,”

“But zero fucks are still given?”

“Yep,” Levi groaned, pulling Eren on top of him. He felt Eren’s head push past his entrance, wincing with the feeling of being stretched. But he kept his eyes open, watching Eren slowly come apart. He shallowly thrust in, making the two of them groan.

“...criminal prosecutions...accused... and public trial by an impartial jury... State and district wherein the crime-”

“Eren, what the fuck?” Levi panted, but laughing at his boyfriend’s attempt to last. “Fuck me before I go soft,” he commanded, clenching his asshole. Jesus, was that the sixth amendment?

Eren’s eyes went dark again, and he fully pulled out before slammed back in violently. Levi whimpered, his back arching in pleasure. Eren was speeding up when he started angling his thrusts, but he hadn’t-

“Shit!” Levi shouted, his sharp nails nearly breaking the skin on Eren’s back.

“Found it,” Eren murmured, and continued to assault Levi’s prostate. Levi let out jumbled noises of encouragement, oh God, he was close. Their bodies were rocking together, Levi’s legs wrapped tightly around Eren’s waist.

“Deeper,” Levi groaned, his voice catching. Eren was pounding into him with an almost unknown severity and desperation, and Levi needed him closer.

“Levi,” Eren moaned, leaning down to give his lover a wet kiss, swallowing his shouts of satisfaction. With every thrust, Levi let out a loud “Eren.”  Levi was carding his fingers through Eren’s hair, feeling his release coming quickly.  
  


“Harder, Eren, now,” Levi writhed beneath his boyfriend.

“God, Levi.”

Suddenly, Levi’s back arched off the floor, and he screamed, thicks strands of come landing on his chest. Eren whimpered, coming violently, his cock throbbing with oversensitivity inside Levi. The two collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily. And with shaking legs, they shamefully cleaned up the mess as quickly as possible, throwing on their clothes.

Levi exhaled shakily, and nodded at Eren. The brunet tentatively opened the bathroom door.

And the restaurant was silent. The customers all staring at the bathroom door. Eren turned his head to Levi, and found the shorter man with his eyes closed, murmuring something that sounded like the Torah.

An obnoxious teenager in the back screamed, “HELL YEAH!!” and applauded.

They were escorted out in silence. Even today, if one goes to Maria’s, you’ll see two banned faces tacked on the wall, one smiling happily, the other bowing in shame.

****  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> my hand slipped (i am so ashamed) 
> 
> ~~ALSO 100 kudos??? how cool!!! thank you all shit I didn't know people would look at this literal garbage thank you so much ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> **edit: 240 kudos?? im yelling! this is super awesome im rlly happy with this thank u all for commenting and reading and (holy shit...how many people have jerked off to this. how many. i just had a crisis..) THANKS**


End file.
